1. Fuel Gauge: A stedy needle indicates you have run out of diesel.

2. Fuel Warning Light: Lights up 35 miles from the garage.

3. Speedometer: Needle moves automatically to the left on sight of a police car, and to the right on your last trip.

4. Clock: Tells you what the time was two and a half minutes ago.

5. Brake Warning Light: Reminds you that the brakes may fail at anytime.

6. Indicator Switch: Push up as you approach a stop, and down as you leave a stop. (Rota 2 drivers only).

7. Horn Button: To frighten the shit out of old grannies, can also be used on sight of an attractive member of the opposite sex.

8. Fresh Air Fan: Produces an alarming hum.

9. Ignition Switch: For turning on the lights.

10. Windscreen Wiper Switch: Produces a monotonous squeak or throb.

11. Windscreen Washer Knob: Squirts water jets over pedestrians and/or roof of bus.

12. Ashtray: Not used as smoking is not allowed in the cab. Flick your ash out of the window like everybody else.

13. Unlucky Fleet Number: For some.

14. Defroster Vent: Fills the cab with fresh pollution.

15. Gear Lever: Produces an ear-splitting screech and/or amusement to passengers.

16. Brake Pedal: Throws passengers violently forwards.

17. Clutch Pedal: Throws passengers violently backwards.

18. Accelerator Pedal: Produces a large smog cloud to the right of the bus.

19. Hand Brake: Produces a smell of burning and poor engine performance.

20. Rear View Mirror: Foor looking up the skirt of the school girl sat on the back seat.

21. Off-Side Mirror: Creates a nasty blind spot when approaching roundabouts.

22. Near-Side Mirror: For hitting pedestrians on the head.

23. Heater Controls: Keeps you cold in the winter, and hot in the summer.

24. Windscreen Wipers: For smudging dirt over the windscreen.

25. Reversing Horn: Lets everybody known you've gone the wrong way and have to turn around.

26. Cash Tray: For holding cans of pop and bags of crisps.

27. Cab Door Lock: Press down on approach to Dines Green.

28. Door Master Switch: Produces a false sence of security.

29. Steering Wheel: Shakes Violently at 32.6 mph.

30. Engine Start Button: Use only in emergencies.

31. Power Socket: For re-charging your shaver.

32. Destination Blind: Ignored by everybody.

33. Destination Blind Handle: To make you scrape your knuckles on the roof.

34. Ticket Machine: Stops working five minutes after you have left the bus station, and starts working again as soon as you demonstrate the fault to a despatch clerk.

35. Tilt Light: Tells you the bus is about to fall over.

36. Battery Light: Goes out when the battery is flat.

37. Saloon Light Switch: Produces a nasty reflection on the windscreen.

38. Cab Light: Only works during the hours of daylight.

39. Door Close Switch: To keep the buggers out.

40. Door Open Switch: Useful for getting rid of the smell.

41. Glove Box: Hold two empty pop cans, old sweet wrappers and an empty fire extinguisher.

42. Hazard Warning Lights: Use when you're about to drive past a stop forcing the poor bastard behind to do all the work.

43. Engine Stop Button: For resting your radio on.